i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
FUCK WHALES
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
