I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
