i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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