Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
