I accidentally burped into my bong.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
