Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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