it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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