I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
