i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
