Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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