Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Found your dick twin last night
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
