Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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