When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
