oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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