She is in my trunk
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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