DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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