Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
