ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
