is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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