he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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