woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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