dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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