Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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