Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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