A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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