Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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