omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
