I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Randomize
