I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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