Pappa wants mamma naked
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
