My sheets look like a crime scene.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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