For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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