I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Is Oprah even human
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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