Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
