nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
