The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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