if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
