Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
is wine microwaveable?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
