Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
