I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
porn star boner night. come get it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
