Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Randomize
