You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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