you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think a kid would responsible me up
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
