I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
