Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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