I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
