Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
