So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
