someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
