please come you make the beer taste better
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
