i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
