the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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