We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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