I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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