Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
